Happy late mothers day!
Mood:  smelly
Now Playing: ?

2012-05-18 

Happy late mothers day mom.  I miss you still and so wish I had you here with me.  As immature as it sounds I can't help but feel like Jim not only robbed me of time with you as a teen by making me call before coming up to see you from our apartment and him not really liking kids as he never had any of his own.  I feel that he took away years of your life. He robbed me of time I would have had with you as an adult by having you participate in one of his plans and ideas of how to make money.  West works recycling. Recycling those 55 gallon drums and cleaning them out with gasket remover without a respirator mask or even proper air ventilation with fans. Nope he just sometimes opened the door. On the gasket remover it even said in the state of calif its known to cause cancer in rats and have serious birth defects after prolonged use.  I guess it's just another way that guy cheated me out of you. He said horrible things to me about you. Not horrible but hurtful that I never told you. 

Sure wish you could have spent more time with the boys  or even meet Haden.  He is quite remarkable. They are so a like and yet so different. Ethan is always so externally tough like he never hurts yet he has a sadness about him that he's never shared. I don't know if I have caused it or Tim has or if maybe it the uncertainy in our lives. He is sensitive though but you can't let on that you know. He's 14.  He is quiet and just watches  he kind of protects me i think  he is thoughtful and worries about me.   Haden is mr sensitive. He is almost 8. Has really only girls for friends.  He has always liked girls (grills) so it's no fun to try to tease about that. In fact he has helped try to embarrass Ethan about girls.  (I know I'm cruel). Iif I raise my voice or talk stern to Haden he immediately will start crying. And really crying like I hurt his feelings or he is scared. I hate that because I yell a lot just cuz I get excited or something. He just almost squirms in his seat wanting to get away so I don't see the big round tears about to spill from his eyes. Haden is very sweet and friendly. He is not shy although you think he will be. He has a loud voice if he wants to be heard and isnt afraid to meet anyone. He often has a one track mind that CANNOT be derailed. He is smart smart smart   Wish I could take credit but really Tim and I don't deserve such good kids. We are really lucky. Wish I could say its the parenting skills but it's not. 

 

 

whats next
Mood:  not sure

FINALLY got the internet here so I signed onto my mothers site again and reviewed it.  I sure do miss her.  I guess I am a little angry that it seems like everyone has forgotten her and no one gives a damn.  I suppose to an outside observer I look like that too, I didn't even make it for her memorial; what kind of daughter am I?  No matter who is here or gone the earth still spins and the sun still shines, ...for now. 

I wish I believed in heaven.  It would be so much easier.  One thing, I don't understand about the whole heaven idea:  If one is married and then their mate dies and they remarry; when its all over and everyone meets up again in heaven isn't there going to be a slight love triangle in that equation?

Another thing:  Heaven is supposed to be happy, joyful, peaceful etc...right?  You aren't supposed to feel unhappy or sadness right?  Well what happens if someone you love doesn't end up there?  Do you forget select things or people from when you were alive?  What happens if everyone you love isn't in heaven?  I understand that first and foremost our love is supposed to be for our creator, but will we have no need for companionship?  The same goes for religions that believe in everlasting life, do you just pretend those whom didn't make it never existed? 

I just wish I could have the truth about LIFE and death.  I wish I could have strong enough faith to KNOW the truth and follow it.

Thats just my thougths for tonight.  Good night Mom, I love you. 

January 23, 2008
Mood:  d'oh

00:45:04

2008-01-23

I should be packing as we are to be moved out of here tomorrow.  But I am not.  I hate moving.  We don't really know where we are even going, I wrote a check today to a storage company to store all our stuff.  We can move to Ethan's grandparents house but I really don't want to do that.  ahhhh, it just really sucks.  I never thought at 29 this is where I would be in life. 

I can't help but to be jelous when I see people I used to know and their lives are going good cuz mine is not.

Mother

Happy Mothers Day MOM!

Its a day late but I was oh so sick on Mothers Day I didn't even leave my bed.  So sorry my mothers day wish to you is late, but afterall its Katie. 

 My thoughts were with you on mothers day.  I was thinking back to last mothers day when I talked to you on the phone and you said everything was looking good.  You said your back still hurt but everything else seemed to be going well. 

You didn't ever want us to be bothered by your pain and you probably felt like if you didn't believe it, it wasn't really real.  I wish you would have let us know sooner because then maybe I could have better prepared myself for the loss of you. 

Somedays I am so angry, the world keeps spinning and the sun keeps rising like nothing ever happend; and that makes me mad!  Because for me, something has changed, I am missing a big piece of me that I can never get again.  I can't ever ask you, who you took to prom.  I can't ever ask you to watch my kids for the weekend,  I can never ask if you were ever proud of me.  I can never ask for your help. 

I think of you every day mom.  Everyday I drive through the country and see different camp sites or places Dad would take us, whether you actually enjoyed those times or not, I think of you.  I think of the day trips into the country we would take.  We would pack cooler full of food for lunch, pack the dogs into the back of the truck, and of chorse pack the green "stanley" coffee thermos(later to be dumped and filled with pepsi, which never did taste quite right). 

I wish I could get even one of those days back, just to be close to you.     I  LOVE YOU MOM,   

Happy Mothers Day.   Katie 

Memories

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The first memory I have of my mother is when we lived in Missouri.  I was probably about 2 or 3 and I was sitting in a chair listening to bible story tapes.  She picked me up and sat me in her lap and started reading me a story.